....groan.

[Newest at top]

 

Excerpts from Modern Sex Techniques

 

TOO DEEP
[forwarded through the "Internet"]

Do you believe?

One sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying sub-machine guns. One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are." Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20. The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!" And the two men turned and walked out.

Too deep not to pass on...

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God...and then wonder why the world's going to Hell.

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say...while we question what the Bible says.

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.

Funny or is it scary? Funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).

Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Funny, isn't it?

Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you go to forward this messge, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them. Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me. Are you thinking? Will you share this with people you care about? Or not?

 

 

For Those About to Exploit

Paystub from McDonalds, 1982.

 

 

Some exerpts from a local "musicians wanted" advertisement:

DRUMMER NEEDED FOR ALL ORG PROGRESSIVE METAL BAND, INFL BLACK SAABATH, BETHOVAN, DREAM THEATRE, RUSH, TOOL, MOZART, CALL STEVE.

DRUMMER NEEDED FOR ORIGINAL BAND, AGE 20-26, MUST HAVE CURRENT LOOK, ROCORDING CD AND PLAYING OUT, BE AVAILABLE TO PRACTICE 2X+ PER WEEK, ALTERNATIVE ROCK AND PUNK.

Female Drummer/Songwriter looking for other Musicians to form a original band. Influences are: Shirl Crow, Beetles, Niel Young, Tom Pettie, Cold Play. If my dream sound like yours, please call me!

[The following ad consumed a full page of the same paper. We've tried here to retain some of the formatting. Again, all sic]

Nationwide Talent Search Seeks...
Male Vocalist
Work with Guitar Legend:
Dave Hlubeck of the original
Molly Hatchet
(Recently nominated for enshrinment in the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame and author of Flirtin with Disaster, Gator Country, Beatin the Odds, Bounty Hunter, Fall of the Peacekeepers and many others)

Record Production Team Seeks Gravel Voiced Vocalist:
Style of music: Original Southern Rock
You MUST be The Real Deal - Influences that would be appropriate are:

-Skynyrd - Allman Bros. - Gospel, Blues - Pink Floyd - Guns-n-Roses - Outlaws - Molly Hatchet - Zeplin - Janis Joplin - Santana

Make no mistake about - you will be joining a band. Rehearsals are located in Cherry Hill, NJ. Work with proven industry professionals who have sold over 22 million albums and are making and selling music every day. It is most appropriate that you enjoy this type of music and whish to be in a band playing it. We believe that the vibe among the players is very important.

This stuff really rocks. (It Burns off of the Tape)

Work with us in our state of the art studio's to create some really ass kicking music. This project is fully funded and ready to go. CD and Tour dates will follow music production. Come enjoy this music as well as the potential success.
Call: XXX-XXXX ask for William.
If he is not available please leave a detailed message and
he will return all calls
(FYI: The working environment is Alcohol and Drug free. We've got a job to do. What ya'll do on your time is your business!)

 

CHRIST CHECK

Found on the floor of a bus.

Other side:

 

 

CORPORATE EMAIL

From a corporate email memo forwarded to the RBS offices by a kind reader [all sic]:

I noticed that most of you are getting sut up on MIRC and that is great!!! For those who have not, lets make sure it happens. But I have noticed that some of you are using it improperly. This is set up to communications wiht each other for business purpose only. Some of the messages that were send are inexcusable and needs to stop. You are a group of professionals and I didn't and don't expect that I should have to bring this up. If messages that you send can be perceived as offensive than we have a problem. So lets use this tool for what it was designed for and nothing less...
thanks.

 

 

SLIDE PRESENTATION

Right after 9/11 someone at work forwarded this email which consisted of a series of slides of mostly pastoral scenes -- mountains, palm trees, streams, a person jogging on a beach -- accompanied by text. It was titled "Perspective." I read it without vomiting, but I'd recommend pulling the waste basket over by the computer.

 

First slide:
Think it over

Slide (World trade center/NYC):
Today we have higher buildings and wider highways, but shorter temperments and narrower points of view.

Slide:
We spend more but enjoy less,
We have bigger houses but smaller families,
We have more compromises but less time,
We have more knowledge, but less judgement,
We have more medicines but less health.

Slide:
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk much, we love only a little, and we hate too much.

Slide:
We reached the moon and came back, but we find it troublesome to cross our own street and meet our neighbors.
We have conquered the outer space, but not our inner space.

Slide:
We have higher income, but less morals...
these are times with more liberty but less joy...
We have much more food, but less nutrition.

Slide:
These are days in which two salaries go home, but divorces increase.
These are times of finer houses but more broken homes.

Slide (a sunset):
That's why I propose that as from today,

Slide:
You do not keep waiting for a special occasion, because every day that you live is a special occasion.
Search for knowledge, read more, sit on your front porch and admire the view without paying attention to the needs.

Slide:
Pass more time with your family, eat your favorite food, visit the place you love.

Slide:
Life is a chain of momentsof enjoyment; it isn't only survival.
Use your crystal goblets. Do not save your best perfume, and use it every time you feel you want it.

Slide:
Take out from your vocabulary phrases like "one of these days" and "someday."
Let's write that letter we thought of writing "one of these days."

Slide:
Let's tell our families and friends how much we love them.
That's why, do not delay anything adding laughter and joy to your life.
Every day, every hour, and minute are special...
and you don't know if it will be your last...

Slide:
If you're too busy to take some minutes to send this message to someone you love, and you tell yourself you will send it "some of these days," just think that "some of these days" can be very far, or even that you will not be there to see it...

 

 

SCROTUM TROUBLE

People, you have to be very careful with your external organs...things can happen to them. In a great little story someone gave to me a long time ago, perfectly titled "Scrotum Self-Repair," we see what can happen if one is not careful. Originally printed in Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, it is retold here...

 

A doctor was called in to help a patient, a guy about forty years old who apparently had some sort of dick-related problem, but who didn't really explain what had happened to him. The patient pulled down his pants, revealing a very unhealthy looking scrotum. The doctor removed an inch of "fould-smelling" gauze from around the thing, which was "swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender." On one side of it was a nasty laceration, "oozing pus and blood."

On close examination there was evidence of some self-surgery: "Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were for." As the story goes, a few days before coming to the hospital he had hurt himself at work, tearing his scrotum open, and took things into his own hands -- stapling the wound on his little bag shut with a heavy-duty stapling gun and one inch staples.

They x-rayed him to find the staples, gave him some drugs and antibiotics, and performed surgery the next day: "Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened." His left nut was missing; still lying on the machine shop floor? Did anyone find it, pick it up, wonder what it was, before sweeping it into the trash? He was released from the hospital a few days later. During his recovery after surgery he told the doctor the whole story:

"An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of maturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification."

 

 

 

 

 

HOME | CONTACT

All contents copyright © 2002 Rat Blood Soup