Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
Born under this sign, you are ambitious and driven. Others around you know that you are going places. With an eye always kept on those around you, no move is made without calculation, and the finer points of chameleon-like maneuvering have approached artform for you. For you success has always been an inevitability. Now however, looking back on the path you have chosen over the years you see endless turns you could have taken, opportunities missed. Sick with regret, your stomach tightens, as you stare at the hard, cold, bleached bone of reality in front of you; what you have squandered--time, love, dreams--are lost forever. THIS WEEKEND: shop for surgeons for that triple bypass.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
You are timid, sweet and shy, and the great qualities you possess are generally known to only a few friends. But these qualities aren't worth much as everyone from your mate to your boss and kids walks all over your flimsy doormat of an ego. Anything can trigger your oppressive guilt. Being wronged by anyone only further brings on the guilt as you punish yourself for not doing more to prevent this person from committing this act against you, which you clearly deserved, and which they had no choice but to carry out, in light of your wretched thoughts and sinful conscience. THIS WEEKEND: try to be a better person.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)
Born during this time, you may be influenced by some less-than-helpful moons. You are all thumbs. You tend to break things. You have the feeling people talk behind your back a lot. Your few successes in life are hardly of note even to those in your immediate family, who wait, poised always for you to screw up royally. THIS WEEKEND: find an excuse not to do something, and watch tv.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
Born this month, you often find yourself sitting at the edge of local bodies of water, peering out over the flat, shimmering, peaceful surface, and you dream of plunging into the dark, cold depths, closing your eyes and inhaling the water. The presence of other people disturbs you, almost physically. Looking at them arouses feelings of pure repulsion. You would prefer to look at dead animals alongside the road, for at least they have reached the end, honestly, the way those joggers will, soon enough. THIS WEEKEND: go to a party.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19)
You are a social animal, and like to surround yourself with others who are the same. You prefer swaged ammunition, and walnut stocks, and you think laser scopes are gimmicky. You like to talk about the government and television shows. You think about Jesus a lot. Your vehicle is adorned with many practical little comfortable add-ons such as the most advanced cup holder anyone has ever seen. THIS WEEKEND: set aside some spiritual time.
Aquarius
(Januar 20 - February 18)
Yesterday during your lunch break, you went to the movies down the street. The movie was "15 Minutes," and you knew very little about it before going except that everything else in the theater didn't interest you at all, and it was at a time you found convenient. The movie was two hours long and you planned on leaving sometime before it was over, but despite its length and the fact that it started ten minutes late, you stayed for the whole thing. Even though there were hardly any people at the matinee, some still talked during the movie which wasn't a big deal cuz the flick was nothing you needed to concentrate on. The theater was grungy, dirty. Walking out you smelled the other people; they stunk. The movie didn't smell too good either. The audience gets what it deserves-- wish you had thought of that one.
Pisces
(February - March 20)
You are gregarious and caring, and known for your sincerity. You go out of your way for others, and they appreciate your loyalty. However, you can be short tempered and vicious if the mood hits you. You can break things, and you've physically assaulted people. Your intimate relationships can be an effortless, non-stop romantic dream, but quickly devolve into bitter confrontations of never- ending fights ending in bitterness, pain, and the involvement of the law. Ultimately they all end in disaster. THIS WEEKEND: see a doctor about the chemical imbalances in your brain.
Aries
(March 21 - April 19)
Something always tells you that people are plotting behind your back, that they are "out to get you." Bits of overheard conversation reinforce suspicions you've had for a while. Your family dodges your questions. Your wife sometimes bursts out crying for "no reason"--you know she's got something going on. Your kids [the little bastards] look to the floor and are deathly quiet when you come into the room, and they quiver slightly, their voices trembling when they answer you with simply "yes sir," "no sir." Your wife knows better than to leave the living room curtains wide open --Jesus Christ, do you want the whole Goddamn WORLD to be looking in here?!! Your neighbors have cut off all interaction with you--they hardly wave. Sometimes you think you can make out a word that you swear your dog is trying to say to you when no one is around. THIS WEEKEND: treat yourself--get out to the shooting range, then hit the bar.
Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
You often find you are attracted to those with an extra chromosome.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 21)
When you find something you like, you like to do it over and over again, obsessively until you are unable to continue with it, no matter what the consequences to yourself or those around you. This weekend--if you feel personal demons rising in your consciousness, beat them back with your ritual of choice.
Cancer
(June 22 - July 22)
You have a degree from a teacher's college. You went to Daytona Beach on Spring Break. You vote the way your parents do. Your house has wall-to-wall carpeting and an entertainment center stacked with movies you buy. You shop at the gap. You have seen "Riverdance." You are familiar with many of the singers and personalities on MTV. You have a calendar of paintings by the impressionists. Your lawn is kept nicely trimmed always.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
You're suddenly conscious, eyes open, don't know where you are. Something falls out of your hand onto the ground but you can hardly see. You start to walk, then try to run, stumbling through the dark and in the whole forest around you there is no visible way out. Finally you come to a clearing, a house, and go inside, climbing the rickety stairs with all of your strength while screams which you cannot place as coming either from inside or outside your head wrench your mind, unceasing. Panting, your heart racing, you feel your way along the wall to a door and push it open, the smells in the old house torturing you with the mix of memories they flood you with. Reaching out you find the light and turn it on. You look in the mirror--your dirt-covered face is scratched and cut, your hands, arms and face are streaked with blood and your torn shirt is soaked dark with the same. You reach out, touch the mirror, the screams having now morphed into the sound of a river raging through your skull. Grasping your head with both hands, you begin to laugh, and scream, and shriek...
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