More people wearing Halloween masks daily in public.

A theme park based on the varieties of paranoia and anxiety.

More free time in which to work on our Sean Connery impersonations.

To promote thrift, charitable giving, and nakedness, with special emphasis placed on the latter.

To bring back Oprah’s Book Club, but this time co-hosted by Mike Tyson, so it will be Oprah & Mike’s Book Club.

A way to simply remove Camden, New Jersey and replace it with something better.

A way to simply remove New Jersey and replace it with something better.

A president with a really, really hot wife.

For one of us to break down and buy one of those penis enlarger pumps, just to see if there’s something to it.

A handgun that only fires when pointed at short people.

For George W. Bush to wear a black knit cap at all times.

For professional wrestling leagues to start in the grade- and high school levels.

For drugs to be legalized, but only for the two weeks around Christmas and New Years.

For manslaughter to be legalized, but only for the two weeks around Christmas and New Years.

A process for making crack that doesn’t leave that pungent, metallic aftertaste in your nose and throat.

Better access to television, affordable marijuana, and fast food in America’s rural communities.

Safe, tested and approved drugs that will put children into a deep sleep instantly for specific periods of time, with few serious side effects.

A way to punish people for more things they are currently doing.

To start looking at how to make better use of Canada.

To walk a mile in a man’s shoes before we can feel comfortable ridiculing him mercilessly.

Funding for automakers for research on ways to make vehicles that are larger.

To find a way to turn all these damn trees into cash.

 

 

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