ANNOY

Being frequently annoyed by people is for most of us an inescapable fact of daily life. People prodding you with inane questions, poking into your personal life, trying to vivisect you, can happen in countless situations. For their peculiar motivation, certain lines of questioning stand out, and many innocents have experienced these attacks, or interrogations, from different sources. One line of questioning in particular I have not been able to come up with a name for, simply referring to it as "the questions."

 

THE ATTITUDE

"Are you getting married?" they ask you, if you have a girl/boyfriend, "Are you going to have kids?" and so the questions go. They seem to come out of nowhere, as the topic does, and like sports it always pops up when talking to certain people, dragging any conversation into the dirt. And you wonder why the questions are asked so uncomfortably, since other actually important/relevant uncomfortable questions are not. Always these are asked with the attitude, sometimes literally stated along with the quizzical facial expressions--When are you going to "grow up," get a "real job," have a "family," start being "like the rest of us."

People don't realize what they are saying is stupid, because like all of us they have been conditioned to accept norms. People don't think about social norms aside from having the general feeling that, "Ah, yes, I am very normal, and look at all the people around me doing the things I am doing--why, they are so normal too. It feels great to be in the midst of so much normalcy, don't you think?!" It is pleasurable for the non-thinker to not think about what might constitute a norm, what might be causing him to accept or reject something. The idea that people who are similar to me are "good" and doing the right things with their lives, while those who are different from me are flawed and living wrong is a comforting, infantile, narcissistic fantasy.

Getting married, having children, having a "career"--these are all things that have been done easily by many immature idiots, people unqualified to plan their own next meal much less start a family. Perhaps the questioners would applaud your involvement in divorce, infidelity, child abuse and wife beating--activities many of these more "mature" adults take part in. Obviously the "decision"[1] to enter into marriage, and/or have kids was made lightly, if at all, by many, and the result has hardly been to make them better, more mature, humans. The violent, the immoral and the fucked-up are on a higher plane than you and I because they've reproduced or gotten married?

The questions asked are directed at you but they are not about you at all. Rather, they are concerned with the questioner, reflexively. He has undertaken one of these major commitments in life and, working hard on the many things these commitments entail, is now a member of a peer group consisting of most of society. You would think that would be enough to keep him quiet. He questions his path in life however, the path into and now largely defined-by these commitments, and despite the millions who share a similar life-path with him, he needs validation of his choices--the tacit approval of your making these same choices, entering into these same commitments.

 

ILL-EQUIPPED

Most people, lacking anything like a philosophic basis for living their lives, past maybe vague religious ideas or things learned in Sunday school, have difficulty figuring out what things mean to them in life[2]. What should I be doing with my limited time here on Earth? How should I live? Instinctually, they will turn to the herd at any given time to see what they/we are supposed to be doing. This is easy and works fine for most, most of the time. Only when certain members of the herd aren't strolling along in the same direction, it is upsetting to one looking for reassurance and comfort.

It is unproductive to start a conversation with the questioner about ways of living. Mention something like the ethical life, the life of the mind, the life of quietude, or ethical hedonism and the reaction will likely range from a glassy stare to having holy water thrown on you. If you have to explain to someone your whole life and the reasons you live it the way you do [usually a waste of time], it's only fair that they then do the same--an exercise that would be much more beneficial to them than any speech you could give on individualism.

 

AGE

Age is a factor that affects these unpleasant interactions. Some old people act as if you and I--though we've only been around for a fraction of their time--are somehow responsible for the decisions that contributed to their pathetic current existence. The older the questioner is, the more your response is likely to come across as some implied indictment of their entire fucking life. Being offended is practically a hobby for many, and since the questioners are predisposed to be unable to hold a detached thought or argument, progress can't be expected. Advanced age exacerbates another irritating factor...

 

RELATIVES

Relatives have limitless energy for inquiring about your "life," and no energy for examining at their own. They are forever compulsively comparing themselves to you. They seem to suffer the delusion that you care about their approval, and about anything they have to say in the way of "advice." Relatives' motivations are laughably transparent and self-serving. If you are at all not a public "success" they are happy to distance themselves from you and to send the message--you should straighten-up and be more like us, loser. But should you garner any kind of success as defined by the common person, they will crawl from the woodwork to kiss your ass--"Oh yes, so-and-so is my relative! We've always thought she was fantastic!"

Back in the seventies one of my relatives killed his father and then cut off his head with a saw. On telling this story years later, relatives were quick to point out that the perpetrator wasn't a "blood relative," that he was related through marriage, and not from "our" family. Such a psycho could never descend from our perfect gene pool.

 

YUPPIE/MIDS

Yuppies, preoccupied with competition and extremely class-insecure, can be expected to apply the questions predictably. If one is to attend a family gathering where older and yuppie family members will be present, it is best to prepare by drinking.

 

THE NEEDY

The needy surround us, and range from the obviously needy to those you never would have guessed could be so needy. Presentation of "the questions" however gives away the needy instantly. The need for approval, the need to satisfy the inner questions mentioned above. Thank God for television, the best tool for keeping the needy safely at home, staring into a piece of their furniture[3].

TV is designed for the needy; there's hardly a need not filled or a piece of ego weakness not flattered by TV. The lonely can turn it on and see other "people," and can even form imaginary "relationships" with those on TV. Everything on TV is designed to make the average person feel good, to nurse their neediness; "Hey, look at all these people on TV--they're just like me!" On the surface this seems a real help, a great service to the Needy, satisfying so many of their needs so easily. But there can be a reverse effect. Once one is away from the TV, the individual often sees much that stands out, differences that didn't look as great before, more things that appear "weird." Actuality is revealed for what it is--ugly and weird.

People who need reinforcement of any of their moronic notions can find a constant stream of it on TV, and those who need reassurance by authoritarian father-figure types can gaze at big-name newsreaders on every network. For people too stupid to figure out how to think about social issues, TV presents these things in a nice watered-down way, and for those who simply need to be constantly "entertained" TV goes 24 hours a day.

Need, need, need--people are filled with it. They won't be happy until they have sucked out your life-force to calm their insecurities for ten minutes. Then, it's on to the next prey.

 

SHORTCUTS

Most people, lazy and needy, require shortcuts to everything. The idea of a shortcut to finding the meaning of (meaning in) your life sounds silly, but many obviously think such a shortcut exists. The questioners, the pained look on their faces, the uncertainty in their voices--it is hard to watch. They are grappling, trying to grasp something, answers to questions they don't know how to ask themselves. Telling them that yes, you plan on doing everything in your life exactly the way they have from now on, that you will call them before making a decision to see what they would do in a situation, will appease them and get you out of the unpleasant social situation, but the deep-seated badger of insecurity will continue to gnaw on the thin branches of their self knowledge. The questions will go on in the future, pursuing differences between the self and the other further and further, from the general to the specific.

 

GOD MADE SUCH ASSES

Where is the admiration for following one's own thoughts and ideas rather than falling into situations -- usually by default -- in which one notices many are unhappy? We know the answer to this rhetorical question, though, as misery loves company, and we'd all rather see our fellows sharing in our (self-made) misery than basking in happiness of their own design.

 

 

 

[1]. Using the word "decision" is a stretch, a compliment to the thought processes of most.
[2]. Yes, I know we all have a difficult time figuring out what things "mean."
[3]. I think "staring at a piece of your furniture" as a euphemism for wathing TV is stolen from David Foster Wallace; I can't remember.

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